Too Hard
by Dimples
Summary: Very powerful Piper PoV. Piper, months after the attack that killed her sister, still blames herself for Prue's death. She overcomes her grief slowly after she finds Prue's journal. 6th in my sonfic series. To "Could it be Any Harder?" by The Calling.


Too Hard

Songfic to "Could It Be Any Harder?" by The Calling

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You left me with goodbye and open arms

A cut so deep I don't deserve

You were always invincible in my eyes

The only thing against us now is time

Sometimes it's called a sacrifice. I just call it suicide. You threw yourself in front of the doctor, you knew what you was doing. I understand that you were trying to protect an innocent, but I never thought… I never thought that I would lose you because of it. 

It's been months, yet I can't keep from thinking what would have happened if you had lived. We'd be the Charmed Ones, the sister-witches that were indestructible. I guess we were never indestructible to begin with, but if you had survived, maybe we could have been. I look back on that day and I remember your face, that look of horror as Shax hit you with that energy ball. I saw you fly across the foyer, I saw you hit that wall, and I saw it crumble. Then I, the weaker sister, just had to step in. It's my fault you're dead. If I hadn't gotten in the way, then I wouldn't have gotten hurt, then Leo could have healed you. He came to me first, though, just because I'm his goddamned wife. He should have healed you first, Prue.

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Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you

Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true

If I only had one more day

You were always the strong one, the oldest sister. Even when we were growing up, you treated us like your children rather than your sisters. Sure, Grams raised us, but you were the one who _taught _us. You helped us along in life, showed us the way without actually telling us how to do it right. You were a big sister, a teacher, a mother, and a friend all rolled into one tiny package. You had that maternal instinct that I've always been so afraid of. And now, when I need you the most to tell me what to do, you're not here. And you never will be again. I always thought that you were indestructible, that nothing could bring you down. You led us through everything that we had to deal with, the supernatural and the real. It just doesn't make sense that you were killed by the thing that you loved the most. You loved being a witch, even though it did have a lot of drawbacks. It made you feel strong, after you had been falling apart inside over Mom and then Andy. Andy could have helped you a lot more than you thought he could. If you had given him the time, he would have chosen you over your powers. He loved you, it was simple as that. He almost loved you as much as we did, just in a different way. A way that could have kept you alive.

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I lie down and blind myself with laughter

A quick fix of hope is what I'm needing

And how I wish that I could turn back the hours

But I know I just don't have the power

What I wouldn't give to have any one day with you again. Grams says you're still alive in us, and that's what's keeping you away. I don't understand that, but there isn't much I can do to change it. You're gone, and I can't think of anything I'd want more than to have you back here with me. I don't consider Paige my sister yet, she's just a good friend who happens to have the same mother. I won't be able to convince myself that she's part of my family for a while, since there are still all these little things of yours lying around the house. I found your favorite necklace last week in the cutlery drawer. And that leather jacket you loved so much was at the bottom of my closet yesterday. It's hard to put it behind me when everything I see in this house reminds me of you, and all the things we've done together. Like that dumb clock. How many times did you throw some unsuspecting demon into that clock? How many times have we had it fixed because of you? Or that picture of the three of us on the table in the hall? I remember how Grams had to fight with us just to get us to stand together for a second to take a picture. After you died, and up until a few months ago, we were inseparable.

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Could it be any harder to say good bye without you

Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true

If I only had one more day

When it first happened I remember locking myself in my room, pretending that you were only right next door, sleeping or something. I always expected you to just walk in the door and yell at me for leaving the curling iron on or forgetting to pay the water bill. But as time wore on, I stopped expecting you to come, and I just waited for the day that I could join you, wherever you were. I stopped caring about what happened to me, to anyone, and I lived a sort of half life, that left me always lost in a place that no one could follow me to. Not even Leo. I prayed that They would come and take my powers away from me, to keep all this pain away from me forever, and then Paige came into our lives. It was like she just dropped from the sky. And I had a hard time dealing with that for a while. Even after she moved into your room, it still felt like she wasn't part of us, like we were broken somehow. It still seems to me that we have something missing, but you are our sister, and it's hard not to feel incomplete without you.

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I'd jump at the chance, 

We'd drink and we'd dance

And listen close to your every word

As if it's your last, well I know it's your last

'Cause today, oh, you're gone

It's taken me a while to realize that by shutting the people I love out, that I'm only making it worse for myself. For everyone actually. It was hard to accept that I was the big sister, that there was no one ahead of me to tell me what I was could do wrong, because they had done it before me. Like you and Gram's car. You showed me how to drive that goddamned stick, after you had crashed it into the neighbors flowerbed. What I wouldn't give to have you back with me again, for a just a minute, to tell me that you love me, to yell at me for being clumsy, or just to let me know that I'm going to be alright. How could I ever be alright? I've lost my sister, my confidant, my friend. I never got to tell you how much you meant to me. You never knew how much you meant to Phoebe, and even to Paige. She never knew you, but it was as though you were connected somehow other than through blood. It couldn't be any harder for me to let go, to let you rest in peace. It's just too hard. 

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Could it be any harder (fade away, fade away, fade away)

Could it be any harder (fade away fade away, fade away)

I sift through your things, the many items that we couldn't bear to get rid of. Your clothes lay folded neatly in boxes around the attic, along with your camera equipment. All the pictures you took but never developed lay spread out in front of me as I search for the pieces to place together the final days of your life. There are pictures of smiling young couples, babies in carriages and I realize that you'll never get to have that, the life you wanted with Andy. The life I wanted for you. I start to cry, dripping the salty tears all over the negatives, ruining any chance I have of holding on to you. I slam my fist on the ground, shaking loose a book that's tucked in between the boxes of film. I pick it up and open to the first page. It doesn't take me long to figure out that it's your diary, all the private thoughts that you held bottled up inside you. I almost put it back, afraid that you'll get mad at me. But what could happen? You're dead, remember? 

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Could it be any harder to live my life without you

Could it be any harder I'm all alone, I'm all alone

I flip through the pages, reading your smooth cursive entries like a favorite novel. You've written about our latest victory over a demon, then about an argument and a reconciliation with Phoebe, but I see nothing about me. There's nothing that says that you thought about me after the day was through, that you would remember me if I was gone. But then I flip the page again. It's the entry for the day after my wedding. There are old wet stains on the paper, fading the coloring only slightly. I read your words aloud to myself, hoping that I could hear your voice over mine.

"_Dear Diary,_

I watched her come down the staircase, and I thought, God she looks beautiful. That's my little sister. She was beaming, her entire face lit up like a tree on Christmas eve. I prayed for her, that she wouldn't have to know the suffering that I felt after I lost Andy. I still ache for him everyday, and when I see Piper with Leo, I only wish that she would never know an ounce of sadness. I realize that I caused her a lot of grief when my astral self kept projecting away from me, and I want so badly to make it up to her. But how, now that she has everything she has ever wanted?"

This is my only link to you, this yellowed book of writings that leaves me weeping. But at least I have something, something to take me back to you.

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Like sand on my feet

The smell of sweet perfume

You stick to me forever, baby

And I wish you didn't go, I wish you didn't go

I wish you didn't go away

I put the book into my jacket pocket and pack up the camera equipment. They all go back where they had come from, labeled in big black letters, "Prue". This is what I have left of you. Clothes and camera equipment, your favorite perfume and an assortment of cosmetics. And the diary. That and my memories will keep you living forever in my heart. I miss you, Prue. I can't wait to see you again. I love you. 

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To touch you again

With life in your hands

It couldn't be any harder…

Harder…

Harder….

A/N: This is probably the most powerful thing I've ever written. I started crying when I wrote it, but that's probably just because there's a lot of shit going on in my life right now, and this song is almost a parallel to what I feel. Seriously, I meant this to be a tearjerker. Sometimes it helps to let it out.


End file.
